It’s been 4 days since I am back in Singapore.
I left home for 138 days. 4 months, 18 days. And that makes up 37.81% of 2017.
And everything changed.
This time when I came back. I had many revelations and thoughts. But they all concludes to this:
I actually did notice this change.
The minuscule changes happening every time.
I just didn’t take it to heart. I naively assumed that it would be temporary. It would not mature into this ‘thing’ I face today.
I’m not sure if I should categorise these changes as good ones or bad ones. I don’t know if I am happy with these changes or not. I actually feel distant in this change. Or distant with this change.
I use to feel that I am part of the change, the evolution, the process. After this longer-than-expected leave, I know that I have detached from this change and they have continued their way without me. Not even hinting to me prior to changing path. However, there’s this part of me that is thankful that I was not part of it as well. I also do not agree 100% with the change.
This lead me to have this decision to leave this place for good and only to be back for an adequate amount of time, no more no less, never more than I should stay.
But. How on earth did 4 months affect me so much? How did time tear us apart so quickly? Was it my fault that I was not too involved? I feel that all these questions are suffocating me.
I really wished that I was not so informed about life actually. I also wish that I know none of these ‘ideas’ or question my life. I should’ve just lived my life like majority of the people. Live and leave.
I’m just really suffocated within but the positive side of me always get the better of me. Which annoy me quite much as well.
I just feel complicated.
# Lyyn # ♡