“Why are you on a diet?”
“Since when are you so health conscious?”
“Why do you go to the gym?”
“When did this start?”
“What made you want to go lose weight?”
These has been the most asked question among my friends and honestly, I’ve never really actually gave a reply to any of them since. Many people from my high school (both years) also know that my current lifestyle is a total drastic change compared to how I lived my life during high school and it is a lifestyle that I would hate to have ever in my entire life as well.
I’ve always wanted to share about this but I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to actually write about this and I just had my own qualms about sharing this. But this time, I will be sharing with you guys all about my diet. I would most likely be breaking this into multiple posts as I have quite a lot to share.
So, grab a cup of Coke-zero and continue reading ❤️
I decided to just answer a few questions of my diet in each posts, so I don’t get a answer overload at the end of a super long post.
< Q > Why am I writing this?
I’ve always been wanting to share the diet with you guys since I was going to take blogging seriously last year. But, stuff happened and I just dumped my blog aside to focus more on picking up my life. Since now I am back, I will just continue with what I’ve initially planned and share with you guys.
Furthermore, dieting. is. hard. period. The first time when I started working out, every time after a workout, the first thought that come to mind is surely not ‘oh! I have to write about today’s workout‘. You literally feel like ‘omfg. I am so dead tired. wth did I just put myself through and for what?!‘
And if you are feeling like that, it is impossible to write a decent post at all. That’s why I previously mentioned about emotional capacity.
But it’s been over a year since I started on this journey and I don’t feel like crap every time I finish a workout, I actually feel more energised to share what I did today at the gym and the small achievements that I attained today (physique, strength or even just simply, doing better than the previous time). So now, maybe more post-workout posts?
< Q > Why am I on a diet?
Everyone that knows me knows that I live by the saying:
“FOOD. IS. LIFE”
I will never turn down a invite that has food involved in it. I will never say no to cravings. I eat 24/7. I don’t even knew that calories existed. (Just kidding. I do, I just don’t really care about what they are and what they exists for) Also, this is so contradicting, but I disliked (internally, inside my head) people that were on “diets”. Like why would you force yourself to stop eating all these good food and why go to gym when every time I go to the gym I feel like death? I just didn’t get it.
Basically, I just didn’t have the mentality of “diets” or watching my weight cause I was never told/ taught to actually care about it. That’s why, after binge eating after a few unpleasant incidents, I started to grow … width-wise. It just continued and I let it continue.
I only started to care about my (then) overweight when I left for Melbourne. It was not like a huge revelation like ‘crap, I need to lose weight.‘, it was more like a ‘oh, I need to watch it. I’m not that bad, yet.‘
But I was in this state (below).
[Me: Today, looking at this photo, I just really want to smack myself and ask myself, how on earth did I walk around with these fats. Like, how. on. earth. did I feel confident?!]
I continued the usual habits of eating out with my friends, eating anytime of the day and anything I want in Melbourne. By my daily, I mean (below) as an example on a random day:
Breakfast (like at 10am+) | Full English Breakfast
Lunch (at 12pm) | Korean food, 1 main + 1 side to share
Snack (at 3-4pm) | Dessert? GongCha? Fried chicken? Anything that I am craving for.
Dinner (6pm+) | Instant noodle/ Italian Food
Supper (10pm+) | Head out with my friend to eat again (full meal) or Instant noodle
Every other week, I would also be consuming large amounts of alcohol which just made everything worse.
And the only workout? 20 minutes of random cycling. Less than 100 calories.
Although I do miss being able to eat whatever I want, it was really too much of whatever I want. I take in so much calories a day and I don’t even exercise that much and all I do in a day is to lie on the couch/ sit at the table. Thinking of this right now really scares me a lot.
It was only until I started to have a larger realisation that I “might” be overweight after looking at my own body and the first thing that came to mind was ‘woah… I look fat‘.Also, it was harder to take photos that I was satisfied. (Like above. I didn’t post this up at all. I just kept it hidden away in my album).
The reality started to sink in after looking on Instagram, where many skinny pretty looking girls are everywhere, and around me – everyone was just skinny and good looking.
[Since we are here, let’s pause a little to talk about social media portrayal and influences/ pressure:
I study Media & Communication. I am fully aware of the effects and media manipulations. I’m not negatively influenced by media on a daily basis. I wouldn’t say that I subdued to the media’s version of “girls” in today’s society, but I will agree that I am, indeed, very jealous of their figure.
I didn’t want to look like them exactly. But I wanted to go back to a healthy normal looking figure. Additionally, to be like the figures online, it would really require a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE amount of diligence and resilience to actually look like them. Not forgetting the amount of time it would take as well. I would rather just stick to my baby steps to be back in the healthy range of my height and age.
Also, part of my ego just hated myself for being like this. I would really not forgive myself if I continue to waste myself into the state of obesity as well. I’m thankful that I stopped at some point and got myself together again.
Many people told me that I shouldn’t be concerned about how I look.
But seriously, deep down within yourself, will YOU let yourself look unsatisfied to yourself? Especially when you know you can reach the goal, it is just the process that is challenging. I mean, really, what kind of goal is it if it is so easily attained. Everything has its sacrifices. I made this decision myself for myself, of course, still under some influences of social media/ friends/ society. It’s impossible to NOT be influenced in today’s society, unless you live under a rock.
So instead of blaming the media for the “negative” influence, why not think for yourself and personalise that image/ influence/ perspective/ message you received, for yourself. Accept the influence, listen to it, be affected by it, but not subdue to it. Change the pressure to a positive pressure, something feasible for you to make the change that you want, something that you can make the change for yourself and feel proud after.
That would be my piece of advice for people who are pressured (in any way) by social media or blaming the social media for all the negativity.
Now that I’ve said my piece of mind on this topic, let’s continue on with the main topic :P]
So, the online pressure started growing on me. I started to look at photos and compare to the photos of girls online. The photos does not need to be of models, just normal girls, friends, acquaintances, every photo that I compare, I look bigger, larger and fatter. I started looking back at photos even earlier, the problem was there but not as serious. It was only after all these years after the incident that I started binge eating and totally not exercising, that everything just ballooned into this huge mess.
I talked to my best friend about this problem and asked her if I look fat. Her reply would be:
“You don’t look fat, you look proportionate (to your size).”
It is an answer that I always loved. It meant I looked normal, isn’t it?
But this satisfactory answer started to lose its effect on me. I just felt that this answer was VERY vague. It could mean that I am fat, but I just look proportionately fat. The panic in me pressured me to start to work out at the gym.
(I’ve tried to work out multiple times previously, but it just didn’t work out at all cause I was just too not bothered about it and I had negative stamina. I just didn’t like the feeling that I am out of breath.)
After getting into contact with a gym near my house, I started to try to work out at the gym. But cause of my non-existent stamina, I can’t even last for 10 minutes.
And then, after the “supposed” “work out”, I go home and eat whatever I want again, which basically meant that my “work out” was useless.
This vicious cycle just continued, for 2-3 months. I could not see the results and just wasn’t motivated at all to go the gym. It was so painful at that time, so stressful. Every time I walk out of the streets, I just feel so pressured and disgusted at myself.
It was only until I met someone who I liked, and he LOVES the gym. He was basically crazy about the gym. That was when I started to regain some energy to actually go to the gym again and try working out again. The conclusion was hard work pays off!
(I will continue to talk about the details next time about the process and conclusion! 😛)
That’s it for the first two frequently asked questions. I will continue sharing with you guys about how I do this diet and the whole entire process of it. The whole painful process. So above is just Part 1 of my #Diet posts. I will be continuing a Part 2 (and probably more), talking more about my diet and answering more questions.
A sneak preview of questions that I will be answering next:
< Q > Since when did I start this diet?
< Q > What is this diet?
< Q > How did I survive this diet?
So stick around! ❤︎
– $ Lyyn $ –
Me (right now):
Thinking of the time that I was that huge and I had the amount of confidence and ego that blasted through the roof … I really feel really shameless right now. Actually, not much of shameless but … speechless? Like how I looked like this and still be so blatant about it. But, if I wasn’t so “thick-skinned”, I probably wouldn’t have pulled through either.
I guess that part of me saved myself from sinking into depression. Thankfully.
I’m out! Love you guys!