It’s late and I’m feeling a million emotion within me.
Today, I found out a bad news. A maybe, bad news. I have not confirmed it or done anything to change it either. But it has significantly affected me. Or actually, broke me down to my knees and I am physically and mentally in a negative space right now. Not knowing what to do at all.
Let’s start with what comes up to mind first.
✧ I don’t like this place. ✧
I’m in Sydney. (To anyone reading this who loves Sydney, I sincerely apologies. But to me, I really don’t like this place, A LOT) I dislike this place very much. To be honest, I did not want to come here at all if I had a choice and the pre-arrival thoughts about Sydney is already not good. After arriving, things was a little rocky but still fine, but when all my loved ones left and I was left all alone in Sydney, that was when everything just overturned. A few bad experiences here is all I need to totally destroy my view on this place and environment. I’m not trying to stereotype or group people, but I just have this tendency to avoid people here. I don’t try to strike up a conversation here. I don’t continue a conversation longer than needed. I don’t feel like making friends here. I don’t want to know someone more than being acquaintances.
I thought I could just skid through all the problems for 8 weeks and this is the ninth, and I am officially broke down. I lost all my motivation, but I know I can’t crash further right now cause I will basically end all the possibilities that I have been working for.
Now, THIS is the annoying thing. I feel like shit. Yet, responsibilities still hang on to me like some fucking leech.
Yeah. I have to take responsibility of myself, even when I am feeling the crappiest and shittiest of all time. That’s what growing up mean, huh?
I am starting to understand why do University lectures say this in class: “Writing in high school and University is a huge difference. You are graded differently as well.” HUGE DIFFERENCE? You mean like a UNIVERSE DIFFERENT. But grades never bothered me anyways, since I knew I tried my best and did my best or I knew that was the responsibility I had to bear for not putting in my best effort. But, no one told me that this is the same as my life.
High School and University is a HUGE DIFFERENCE. It goes at different pace. There’s no one there for you, physical and mentally for me. There’s no one on the same line as you ever, same page maybe?
I’ve never felt so lost before. It’s a brand new system and there is no step-by-step guide on how to get use to it. Well, at least for me, I was chunked in University and had to gather the ingredients to build the “road-to-success/ freedom/ adulthood/ etc”, form the cement, create the ground stencils, calculate the size, put the cement in correctly, wait for the cement to dry (not knowing if it is ever going to dry under unpredictable weather) and finally, crossing over to this new tile, only to find out I still have 3 years of road to build.
I don’t know if it is just myself being super duper repulsive of this new city or it is just a “University-thing” like everyone says. (Or maybe, it’s just my hormones.) But, it is really getting to me, and annoying me a lot.
Not only this “settling” issue, I have a goal to leave this place. But everything that is happening right now is not helping at all. On one hand, I feel like I’m really burdened by this goal but on the other, I do want this goal to happen. I feel like I could do it, but something is going to stop me again, just like the old times. History is going to repeat itself, because the protaganist is me, SURPIRSE AGAIN.
I feel like somewhere, someone reading this will be like, “dude, that’s like your problem, like YOU are the PROBLEM. No one is going to solve it for you. Stop being a whiney bitch and face it.” and I know that. No one solves my problem anyways and that’s the reply I got from an acquaintances. THAT is another “bad” experience I have added to the list in this new city.
Right now, I just want the walls to go up around me and let me just feel less terrible – whatever the method it. All this stress that is building up, I just want them gone. But it is impossible cause time never wait for anyone and no one feels what you feel.
Today’s Friday, almost to weekend. I just want this week over and let me escape to my paradise soon. I just need that breather, that tiny escapee — that makes everything feels so heavenly and deadly.
You know, people say that Pisces are very emotional. I can’t agree with it more than anything right now.
Also, People will think that I have depression, I wouldn’t say I don’t, but I am just coping with it, in my own way. I don’t want to leave, yet. I’m still a selfish demanding person that still wants to feel more, but feel less as well. I’m still the stubborn person that chooses what I want and only do what I want. I’m still me — and this is also a part of me.
I feel better, a little. At least insomnia’s going away. Can’t wait for the brand new day ay? At least I need a positive mind to deal with all the crap.
I’m out ❤︎ – $ Lyyn $ –
P/S The aircon in my room is so fucking loud that I can’t even sleep. Should I mention it to the maintenance team…?